50+ Funny Things to Write In a Christmas Card

It’s that time of year again when socks become gifts, trees invade living rooms, and even the grumpiest people start saying things like “fa la la la la” with a straight face. If you’ve ever held a pen over a Christmas card and thought, “What in Rudolph’s red nose do I even write in this thing?” you’re not alone.

Let’s face it, nobody needs another bland holiday greeting that reads like it was written by a sleepy snowman. The goal? Make ’em laugh-snort, chuckle awkwardly in public, or at the very least, smile with their eyes like a polite barista.

So whether you’re scribbling a card for your coworker, roasting your favorite family member, or just trying to dodge another round of Ugly sweater compliments, this list of funny Christmas messages is here to save your holiday butt.

Classic Family Sass: Funny Christmas Wishes for Family

Because your family already thinks you’re a bit weird might as well live up to it.

• Merry Christmas! You’re still on the “Nice” list. Barely.
• Family: where life begins and embarrassing stories never end. Happy Holidays!
• Let’s eat, drink, and blame it all on the eggnog.
• Hope your tree’s as fake as Grandma’s compliments.
• Wishing you more ham than drama this Christmas.
• Santa saw what you did last summer. And he’s judging.
• Dear Mom, you’re the best gift I never asked for.
• Dad, thanks for teaching me how to fix lights. Also, I broke the lights.
• Grandma, you make the holidays smell like sugar and sarcasm.
• Uncle Jim, your ugly sweater is a gift to humanity.

Funny family Christmas messages should be equal parts sweet and roasted like chestnuts.

Elfing Around with Friends: Hilarious Christmas Messages for Besties

The ones who know your secrets and your snack stash.

• I sleighed all day finding you this card.
• May your Christmas be merry and your snacks be untouched by roommates.
• Jingle all the way… to the wine fridge.
• You’re the reason Santa has a Naughty List.
• Hope your tree is lit and so are you.
• You’re more magical than the ending of Elf.
• Here’s to avoiding all exes at the holiday party. Again.
• I’d share my cookies with you. That’s love.
• Feliz Navi-don’t forget my present.
• Besties like you make the season way less awkward.

These funny friend card lines prove that Christmas cards don’t have to be grandma-level polite.

Coworker Chuckles: Office Christmas Card Humor

Because holiday parties are weird enough without awkward greetings.

• Let’s pretend this card came with a bonus.
• Congrats! You survived another year of meetings that could’ve been emails.
• May your HR-friendly jokes land and your boss never find your TikTok.
• You make the office feel… less like the office.
• Here’s to not getting fired for what we said at the party.
• Wishing you a raise big enough to afford wrapping paper.
• May your inbox stay as empty as your motivation on Fridays.
• Santa’s watching. So’s the IT guy.
• Let’s toast to deadlines being as flexible as our lunch breaks.
• Thanks for not ratting me out for sleeping in that Zoom call.

Funny workplace holiday messages walk that magical line between festive and fireable.

Slightly Grinchy Greetings: For the Sarcastic Souls

For those who wear black… even under Christmas lights.

• Merry Christmas… or whatever.
• I hope your tree dies slower than my will to socialize.
• You, me, and a bottle of peppermint schnapps. No caroling.
• Ho-ho-honestly, I didn’t even want to write this card.
• May your family not ask about your relationship status this year.
• Here’s to a season of hiding in the bathroom at parties.
• Let’s skip the small talk and exchange cookies.
• Still cheaper than therapy: this card.
• This card cost $4. You’re welcome.
• The real miracle? Me mailing this on time.

Perfect for Christmas humor with a splash of Grinch, heavy on the sarcasm.

Pop Culture Peppermint: Geeky Christmas Messages

Because references make everything funnier.

• Wishing you a Harry Christmas and a Snappy New Year! 🧙‍♂️
• May the festive Force be with you.
• All I want for Christmas is Eleven Eggos.
• You’re hotter than the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room.
• You make my heart grow three sizes. Grinch-approved.
• One card to rule them all. And this is it.
• No capes! Unless you’re delivering presents.
• You light up my life like Gandalf at Helm’s Deep.
• Baby Yoda says: “Merry, your Christmas be.”
• “Smelly cat, smelly cat…” wait, wrong holiday. Still counts.

Add a little Christmas wordplay and boom: nerdy meets jolly.

Ugly Sweater Squad Goals

If fashion crimes were punishable by jail, we’d all be cuffed in glitter.

• You slay in that sweater. Unironically.
• May your fashion be as questionable as your cooking.
• Whoever invented Ugly Sweater Day needs a Nobel Prize.
• Let’s have a sleigh-off: worst outfit wins.
• My sweater lights up. Like your face when you see snacks.
• Deck the halls with… questionable fashion sense.
• Your sweater’s louder than my holiday playlist.
• Your outfit screams Christmas. So does my soul.
• If this sweater had feelings, it’d cry.
• I wore this just so you’d look good.

For cards that match the festive season’s tackiest traditions.

Naughty List Nuggets: For People Who Know What They Did

Santa’s got receipts. And they’re laminated.

• Don’t worry. Coal’s eco-friendly now.
• I checked the list. You’re on there. Twice.
• You didn’t write Santa? Bold move.
• I asked Santa for forgiveness on your behalf. He laughed.
• Be good? Nah. Be sparkly and chaotic.
• Santa called. He wants his chimney back.
• You’re the reason the elves have stress leave.
• May your holidays be scandal-free. For once.
• Coal is the new gold, right?
• Sleigh responsibly.

These clever Christmas card ideas toe the line between cheeky and cheer.

Cards for the Over-It Crowd: Lazy but Lovable

Because not all of us have the energy of a Christmas elf.

• I bought this card. That’s enough effort.
• Pretend this has glitter. Mentally.
• Merry Christmas. Insert enthusiasm here.
• Consider this a hug. From the couch.
• I tried. Not really. But still, here.
• Let’s fast forward to New Year’s naps.
• Christmas spirit? I thought you said “gin.”
• If I could wrap love, I’d Amazon Prime it.
• Tree? Nope. Lights? Nope. You? Yep.
• Keep calm and unwrap snacks.

Perfect holiday greetings for the “meh but merry” crew.

Inside Jokes Only: Personalized Christmas Zingers

If you know, you know and you’re probably giggling already.

• Remember that time you microwaved the turkey? Iconic.
• If Christmas was as lit as that camping trip… we’re in trouble.
• You + eggnog = legendary disaster. Cheers!
• Hope you don’t dance like last year. Or do. It was hilarious.
• This card smells like cinnamon and shame. Just like last December.
• You said, “I’ll never wear antlers.” We have photos.
• Still not over your holiday karaoke. And I never will be.
• Remember the glitter incident of 2019? Good times.
• You owe me socks. You know why.
• Our inside jokes > your mom’s fruitcake.

Personalized holiday jokes add that “this-was-written-just-for-you” touch.

Holiday Card Wording for Grandparents, Kids & Dogs (Yes, Dogs)

Because not everyone can read—some just drool adorably.

• Grandma, you’re the only one allowed to bake me into submission.
• Grandpa, your jokes still out-dad everyone else’s. Merry Pun-mas.
• Dear Dog: stop unwrapping things. You’re not Santa.
• To the baby: You drool better than any decoration. Respect.
• Nana, I hope you get every Hallmark movie ending this year.
• Pop Pop, still the king of napping through carols.
• Kitty, I know you knocked down the tree. We forgive you.
• Merry Christmas to the littlest elf. And no, you can’t eat tinsel.
• Gramps, let’s drink cocoa and talk smack about the neighbors.
• May your grandpa stories grow longer and less true each year.

Because holiday bonding isn’t just for people with dental plans.

Conclusion: Share the Laughs, Spread the Cheer

Let’s be honest funny things to write in a Christmas card beat recycled poetry and awkward gratitude paragraphs. Whether you’re celebrating Christmas with coworkers, roasting family, or crafting witty Christmas messages for friends, there’s nothing quite like Christmas humor to ignite the holiday spirit.

Got a favorite? Made someone laugh so hard they spilled hot cocoa on their new Ugly sweater? Tag ’em, or drop your favorite funny Christmas one-liner below. The more cheeky, the merrier.